Some things I’ve noticed…

6 Dec

So it’s been about one month since I landed on the island Japan. I have eyes, and can comprehend most things, so like most people, I have started to NOTICE things about Japan. See below:

Bread/Toast – IT’S SO FLUFFY! It looks and feels like the Pillsbury Doughboy’s love child with Snuggle the Bear. Mmm, I definitily tried sleeping on it, since sleeping on futons sucks, but I woke up covered in pigeons – slightly aroused. And bread turns into toast when you TOAST it. Somehow, this pillowy treat retains some buoyancy after a thorough toasting. It’s about the same size horizontally and vertically as American toast, but the sides are just massive. It’s a brick of dough. Yummy.

Skirts – They are short! Here’s my theory: In America, women have boobs and legs and asses (BLA – like a BLT but with ass!).  Since sexuality is such an inherent part of any country’s culture (yes, even Muslim ones – why do you think their religion calls for a burka? So men don’t walk around with brain boners all day), there must be a way for women to feel societally forced into externalizing their anatomy. Western-style women have the three above tools to flaunt. Japanese women have only two.

Eastern women don’t have boobs! (Most of them). The only possible way to sexually externalize their bodies is to reveal their stems. The ubiquitous Japanese school girl skirts (some are not age appropriate) are a requirement for all girls to wear. Some are long, but most are very, VERY short. This is a country mandated requirement! The school clothing starts this trend at a young age, and blossoms into the teensy-weensy outfits women wear out and about. The leg is a sexual tool used in Japan, much like the BLA is in America and other Western cultures; really, any culture with shapely women.  And since most Japanese women are very short, they ALL wear heels to extend their legs.

Imagine that God (he’s a man of course) was a cross dresser and everyday, before causing massive suffering around the world, he slipped on a different pair of feminine footwear which he created, because he’s God. Different lengths, sizes, animal furs, jewels, bows, stripes, lights, and colors oh the colors. Colors you wouldn’t even find in a Home Depot paint section. I marvel every day at women’s feet. I find their footwear viscerally beautiful.

Anyways. Women show a lot of leg here. I don’t mind.

Jews – If you are Japanese and viewing this blog, you may have trouble reading the preceding word. It is spelt J-E-W-S and pronounced JOOZ. I knew that Jews were uncommon in Japan (they’re not very common any where else either), but I did not expect such astonishment and blind bewilderment at the phrase, “I  don’t celebrate Christimas. I’m Jewish.”

I had a (brief!) conversation with a Japanese woman about religion. She asked me, “Are you Christian?” I said, “No, I’m Jewish.” She looked puzzled. Below you will find a rough transcript of me trying to explain JUDAISM to a Japanese women who has never heard of JUDAISM:

Me – Hanukkah?

Her – (confused look)

Me – Israel?

Her – (no idea)

Me – Do you know Jesus Christ?

Her – (very excitedly) Yes, yes!

Me – (using way too many pointless hand motions) Well, Jesus Christ was a Jew before Christianity started. It was the religion BEFORE Christianity.

Her – (feigning comprehension) “Ahhh.”

Me – So, I’m like Jesus.

Her – (Laughing wonderfully)

I threw in the last part because at that part nothing mattered what I said. IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT YOU SAY!

Then again, a  Japenese  client of mine (makes me sound like a gigalo) walked into my office (makes me sound important) saw my name written on the wall, and asked bluntly, “Are you a Jew?” It was such an innocent question – not a trace of the indignation that statement usually carries. In complete shock I slowly mustered, “Yes, I’m Jewish. How did you know that?” “Your name. I heard it in a movie and the character was Jewish.” I was too stunned to even ask which movie. I just kept my dazed eyes on her until we were both seated.

So that’s one month for ya. Bread, misogyny, and blasphemy.

Have fun everyday!

One Response to “Some things I’ve noticed…”

  1. Adri C December 10, 2010 at 12:01 am #

    I laffeh out loudeh! I want to taste the bread! Mail me some!

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