Some things I’ve noticed

2 Apr

If you live somewhere, anywhere, for an extended period of time you begin to NOTICE things about it.

Japanese people can’t dance: And I’ll specifically talk about girls here because there’s nothing that kills a boner jam quicker than watching a Japanese girl dance. As I see it, music – specifically dance music – lends itself as an instruction manual. The music sends audible directions to your body telling it how and when to move. It’s a physiological response – it’s biology baby.  Japanese people do not have this reactive gene.

Japanese people stiffly gyrate up and down, side to side in no discernible order or rhythm. It’s worse than Elaine. A Japanese girl dances as if she is experiencing rigor mortis concurrently with a seizure. Their body vomiting paired with even shittier club music is a double whammy of shit sucking proportions.

I expressed my unrest to an Aussie friend. After bitching about Japanese girls’ ability to do anything even resembling the hokey pokey, she unwrapped the epiphanic  golden ticket in my mind: Japanese girls have no hips. I have no explanation for guys – maybe because they have smaller woowers this throws off their balance as well. Who knows? Regardless, my Aussie friend is right

An object in motion will stay in motion. What’s that called again? Oh ya, FUCKING SCIENCE. Some turd said that a long time ago, and it applies irrevocably here. The nerd’s even got me talking like a scientist now.

Their thin, hipless bodies do not create enough centrifugal force to stay moving. There’s nothing to orbit around them, either. In an American club, full sized women create a gravitational pull creating an orbit of men whom surround them – mostly unwanted satellites. In Japan, Japanese girls cannot even create this galactic organization of Japanese men because Japanese men are just as shapeless and hopeless in their attempts at two-steppin’.

My Aussie friend told me that she’s been accosted on many occasions at Onsen (Japanese-style spas). She is molested by the women in the bathing room. She told of flesh hungry zombies who Bela Lugosied over to her in pursuit of a squeeze. They squeezed her boobs, legs, ass – they were dumbfounded to find such a shapely creature in their presence.  She didn’t mind lending her body to science and I appreciate her sacrifice in helping me qualify my curiosity.

I can’t express enough my sincere condolences to my penis. It is a travesty beyond travesties to view a good-looking Japanese girl dance. The butterflies in my stomach blow their brains balooey upon sight. That’s my physiological reaction.  Poop.

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